In an ideal world, parents who separate can continue to raise their children harmoniously and together. Unfortunately, this sometimes proves complicated in practice. In a (highly) conflictual divorce, healthy communication between the parents can become practically impossible. In such cases, parallel solo parenting can offer a solution. This is a form of parenting that provides space for parents to take care of their children independently of each other, while keeping the children's welfare at the centre.
In this Wanted Fact, we take a closer look at what parallel solo parenting entails and how it can support parents in difficult situations.
What is parallel solo parenting?
As a rule, parents exercise joint parental authority over their children. Specifically, this means that all important decisions regarding the maintenance and upbringing of their joint children, such as where the children are officially registered, where they attend school, which medical treatments are started and so on, are taken together.
In principle, even after a relationship breakup, the parents continue to have joint parental authority. As a result, parents have to consult each other regularly on certain issues and choices in their children's lives. This usually goes quite well, but in certain cases joint parental authority and the corresponding need for communication do lead to problems. Depending on the situation, exclusive parental authority can offer a solution, although in practice this is rarely granted. Another possible solution is parallel solo parenting.
Parallel solo parenting is a co-parenting form specifically aimed at situations where communication between parents is problematic. Instead of making decisions together and consulting constantly, parental responsibility is divided. Each parent makes their own decisions about the children's daily lives, as long as these decisions do not have a direct impact on the other parent. The aim is to reduce tensions and protect the children from the conflicts that often arise in traditional forms of co-parenting.
Why choose parallel solo parenting?
Choosing parallel solo parenting is not usually the first idea that comes to parents' minds after a divorce, but sometimes this approach offers a safe and workable solution for all involved. In particular, when a divorce is accompanied by a lot of conflict or when a parental relationship seems beyond repair, parallel solo parenting can be a useful alternative. Here, parents do not have to strive for harmony or intensive cooperation, allowing them to better focus on their own role as parents.
This approach offers particular benefits in the following situations:
- High-conflict divorces: when there is very high tension and disagreement between parents.
- Chronic communication problems: think of situations where even neutral topics quickly lead to arguments and escalation.
In other words, parallel solo parenting can offer a solution when there is narcissism and manipulative/toxic relationships.
In parallel solo parenting, the children are no longer exposed to the tensions between the parents. They know that the parents are each fulfilling their own roles, with no conflict between them. This allows the children to develop without the burden of conflict.
Key elements of parallel solo parenting
Parallel solo parenting requires clear agreements, boundaries and a solid foundation. There are some crucial elements that contribute to the success of this form of co-parenting:
- Clear agreements and schedules
A well-developed schedule helps both parents and children know where they stand. This provides stability and predictability, which is essential for the children's well-being. Separation in schedules also helps avoid parents having to be in constant contact with each other.
- Limited communication
Communication is kept to a minimum and often organised through written means (such as e-mail or a shared calendar). Parents may make agreements to communicate only on necessary matters and preferably in a neutral, factual manner without emotional overtones.
- Parents do not make decisions about each other
Each parent is independently responsible for his or her time with the children, without interference from the other parent. This also means that both parents do not evaluate or criticise each other, so the children do not face a battle between their parents.
- A neutral handover
Handover can, if possible, take place in a neutral place to avoid conflict. It is often recommended that the handover be done through a third party, or at a school or other familiar place, so that the children do not feel any tension while changing parents.
How are children protected in parallel solo parenting?
In a (high-)conflict divorce, there is a high risk that children will be emotionally damaged by the ongoing struggle between their parents. Parallel solo parenting's main aim is to protect these children. With a strong structure and clear boundaries, children know what to expect. They gain stability and security, avoiding the burden of parental conflict.
Children often feel relieved when the tension between parents subsides, even if they no longer have joint parenting moments. Parallel solo parenting offers children a calm, stable environment in which both parents can fulfil their parental responsibilities in a healthy way, without involving the children in the conflict.
When is parallel solo parenting not a valid option?
Although parallel solo parenting offers advantages, it is not suitable for all situations. For example, in cases of domestic violence or serious psychological problems in one of the parents, the child's well-being may be at risk if the parents operate completely autonomously. Here, stricter measures or intervention by professionals are necessary to ensure the safety and stability of the children.
Conclusion
Parallel solo parenting is an effective solution for parents who can no longer work together due to ongoing conflicts. It provides a structured and safe environment for children to grow up without being burdened by the conflict between their parents. Through clear agreements, minimal communication and clear boundaries, parents can provide a stable foundation for their children. Parallel Solo Parenting recognises the reality of a difficult divorce while providing the tools to raise children safely and lovingly, despite the challenges between the parents.
For parents in such a situation, parallel solo parenting can be a valuable strategy to provide a stable and loving environment for their children. It remains important to put the children's needs first and, if necessary, seek professional help to guide this process in the best possible way.
Contact Wanted Law
Do you have questions or need advice on the possibility of parallel solo parenting? Contact Wanted Law.